Source Blog: atriptosaygoodbye.com
I have three more hours of life reflection until I reach Salt Lake. I have 7 hours to Denver from there. And another 16 home. It’s safe to say that I could feed you a synopsis of every moment since I last wrote from El Paso Texas almost 2 weeks ago.
But I also know that that would be a lost cause. 30 hours on my iPhone notepad will never be enough to convey the ups and downs of this journey since landing in California and how much heaviness weighs on my mind.
I sat in a rediculously overpriced restaurant yesterday only hours after letting lady luck burst my bubble of excitement after months and months of anticipation. Yes, I lost in the WSOP event #4 after only 2.5 hours. And as I sat there, I was not upset that I had just lost $1,000 and got beat on a river that was 90% in my favor. I wasn’t upset that it was over after all of the hoopla.
I mean seriously. Who gives a shit? It was just another reminder that life can be a crapshoot. I’ve seen worst luck in 2009. 2008 too. 2007 is a blur but I think that year sucked too.
But I sat there thinking and thinking.
Life is an every day casino. Some days are luckier than others. Some days the outcome is out of your control like a slot machine or a craps table. You can stumble onto something great if you roll the dice and put yourself out there. But you can also be hit by a car as you walk out to grab your mail.
Sometimes life is a lot like a poker table, where you are no longer playing against only against the house. A group of people from all different backgrounds with all different abilities to play the game. Some people are absolutely horrible at the game. I mean horrible. They will get lucky enough to convince themselves that they should keep pushing in their paycheck every 2 weeks. Haha. They are my favorite. I love to look into their eyes and see divorce papers and tv dinners in their near feature. I’m going to hell probably, yes.
Then there are people who just have it. They were made for the game and no matter the luck they will be on top in the end if they keep sitting down.
Some people suck at life but find a way to win every once in a while. Others are amazing at life. Like me. I pretty much rule. But I haven’t really found success yet. And bad luck loves me. Then there is Annie. She owned this planet. She was on to huge things. Big stars in her horizon. She just happened to accidentally lay down in front of an idiot with a scalpel.
And I sat in that restaurant. All this crap on my mind. Like all the other useless rants I have between my medulla oblongada and frontal lobe and then decide to pass onto friends and family and now strangers on the interweb.
And I sat there thinking about what table of life I was going to sit at from now on. In every sense. What my priorities should be. What I should do for a living. Should I even bother working? Where should I live? With who? And why? Why do anything in life? What do I want? How am I going to get it?
In fact, I sat there with one part of me itching to run home on a flight to Chicago with my mom who was trying to get me to shutup and eat the beef and brocolli in front of me. I was tired of the lights and noises and road signs. And the warmth of a 4-star hotel and the care of someone other than an unshowered dude made me realize I miss the life at home and am not made for a broke ass life in a van and budget inns.
Another part of me was in San Francisco, where I fell in love with a city that speaks to me. It’s pure. It’s perfect. I could move there. Go to UC Berkeley. Get a job. Convince some girl to fall in love with me. Get a big house on Nob Hill and sing the Full House theme song every morning rain or shine. Hold hands in golden gate park. Crab dinners at fishermans wharf. Take my kids to muir woods in the summer. San Diego in the winters. Just like the movies.
Or how about I turn around. Go back to Vegas. Get a day job. Some administrative mindless bull. Something someone else calls a career and I call a job. Ask every high paid cocktail waitress and stripper to marry me and support me financially until one day 20 years from now she finds herself still wiping my ass and wondering what happened to her life. It’s all a numbers game in Vegas. But seriously, just money at my day job to pay for room service and a room key. Then hit the poker room until 2 am where my personality comes to life. It’s the only place where I feel my disability can be quickly turned into and asset or even forgotten. I never feel more equal. I can sit down with a few hundred dollars at a 2/5 table or a few thousand at a 10/20 table and within an hour I can be the man to beat. Not a man in chair. I can be anyone I want to be. A quiet nice guy. A loud sarcastic bully who calls huge raises without looking at his cards and then buys everyone at the table food in return for taking their chips. I can be the hardass who wears huge head phones and never cracks a smile. There are no rules. And no one cares. All that matters is your mind and your performance and ability to come back from getting knocked down.
Which, is my favorite part of life too. Getting ran over, learning from it, and moving on in hopes of a better tomorrow. It’s a vicious cycle of challenges I am more than familiar with. I love it. I feed off of it.
This cycle of difficulty, which I could argue has lasted three years now, will end up being a major turning point in my life. Obviously, the death of my sister, being the climax of a really bad horror flick. Optimistically it is just another challenge set in front of me. And if I succeed in overcoming this one I will be better off than I was before, having getting up from another brutal knockout punch.
I really believe I will have the last laugh. I’ve always believed that. Always felt this illusion of grandeur and quest for greatness no matter the disaster in front of me. Sure I have had down days, but in general I try not to live in fear or deep in regrets for lost causes or wasted time. All I have is the hope things will get better.
It’s why I am out on the road right now. To figure out how I am going to endure the greatest setback so far. Find out through experiences. Experiences Annie should have had. Not me. This is how she lives her life. Not me.
Until now.
Maybe that’s the answer. Maybe that’s what I’ve learned from the trip. And maybe it’s now my answer to this knockdown.
To live more like Annie did.
But even though all of this is very positive, the pain in my chest as I sat in the Asian restaurant with my mom and Bill was great and like nothing I’d ever felt before.. If I was afraid of death I might have called for an ambulance. It was that bad. Of course I didn’t let them on to exactly how bad it was but I did talk about my future. Near and far. And the racing confused thoughts I was having.
My mom went the simple route. Just trying to convince me that this was normal after all I have been through these last few months and years. Especially after my “great escape” and now with the impending return to my nightmare. Living with my parents without Annie, going back to work during a horrible economy for someone in my field, and returning to Chicago after seeing the great frontier. All these feelings were normal.
Bill says I am a changed man and I am realizing that and the need to integrate it into my realities of everyday life. I guess I can agree to some extent that I am Stevie in a new form. I’ve experienced things not possible without putting myself out there. I met some interesting people and done some crazy things. And I definitely don’t want such happenings to end on June 9th.
I mean. Why would i want this to end. The last two weeks were incredible.
Sure I almost died in Coronado at dinner choking on mozzarella cheese chunk. But San diego was beautiful. I saw the ocean for the first time ever and tasted salt water for days. It also took days to clean all the sand from my body after being buried neck to toe. And I am proudly the first person ever to use the beach wheelchair at Pacific Beach to surf. Hugo was second. My only knock on San Diego was that it’s the only town that makes me wish to be an able body. Everyone is so health conscious and beautiful. I really felt the need to rip my shirt off and go jogging or get in the gym. San Di-EGO.
Los Angeles. Well that was a freak show Annie would have loved. I spent most of my time at Venice and Santa Monica Beaches. An interesting fellow named Raj gave me a tarot card reading and told me everything I wanted to hear for a suggested donation of $20. Oh, I could spend a day writing about that reading. It’s as if he knew me. Creepy. Hugo and I then did a 4 mile round trip trek with Joel and Steve on our backs all the way between the beaches on the bikes only path. I think we were the freak show.
Oh San Fran. If I lost my mind in Phoenix, my money in Vegas, then I left my heart somewhere in San Francisco. And I will return to find it again. Love at first sight. You know that feeling. When you meet someone insanely special. You only feel it a few times a lifetime. Well for me, San Fran might end up being the one that got away. I’ve haven’t felt so alive in a long time. And a town can never say “hunny, i think we need to talk” and then spew out some stuffs about needing to move in another direction. Yeh. That place could be my home. I’d never feel alone.
Vegas. Well, vegas gives you a similar feeling, but the more perverted twisted version. I’m glad I went there at a time in my life that I claim to be an asexual responsible being because that evil town can get to more than just your wallet. It is filthy in a way that feels right at the time. Drugs sex rock n roll and of course gambling are the economic drivers of sin city. I’m quite happy with the shape I am in leaving, even after my big poker loss. It could always be worse there.
Truthfully I now feel like the trip is over. Sure I’ll have some memories from these last few steps but all that is on my mind is home. The things I must now do. I must not put off. I guess things I have to come to terms with.
I can my change my life. I can even change the lives of others. But I cannot stop or turn back the second hand. It’s time to make some decisions.
I just want to have something beautiful. To share my life with someone beautiful. And want to be someone worthy of such.
I got to sit back down to a table. And play.
Wish me luck. I’ll try my best. One step at a time.
burying yourself in sand isn't as cool as it sounds before doing it, trust me
