Funny story. I signed up for Netflix, watched Shawshank Redemption for the first time (I know, I know, a little late to the game). Great movie. But much to my surprise and somewhat ironic if you read my last “note” on here, Pete Wentz isn’t as creative as once believed. Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying – it’s only the most memorable quote in an American classic.
Ehh, whatever, I’m over it. I’m on to bigger and better things. I watched 63 episodes of “How I met your mother” in the course of four days, downloaded about 50 full length albums one day last week, and have 30 movies in my Netflix queue. Call the FBI, I’m a depressed pirate with a high speed internet connection.
Speaking of piracy – How about them Somalis? YEAHH!! Keeping the news interesting!! I love Barack, but do I really need to know so much about Portuguese water dogs??
Let’s move on, I feel like I have a lot to say today.
I apologize for keeping you out of the loop of my life. That goes for not only facebook notes, but text messages, calls, and emails. I’ve pretty much put life on pause for most of February, March, and April. If you didn’t put an effort in to stay in my life, in most cases you were just a name in my phone. Movies, music, tv — been spending a lot of time in my head and in my room. I was lost.
I’m still lost. I guess I’m just done pretending that I believe that I can do this easily and quickly. Done pretending that being an only child is okay with me, done convincing myself that its normal to have a spare wheelchair sitting in your house, done believing that one of those late night phone calls will be her to tell me how great her day was. A few weeks ago, I stopped hiding from people the truth – that I am confused and depressed, my thoughts are muddled, my opinions conflicting, my emotions exaggerated, and honestly that I have no clue who I am or what I’m supposed to do now.
Grief is definitely a process. I must be moving into the stage of acceptance but lingering are shades of anger and denial. I think its also interesting that only three months in, much of grief’s burden occurs in other facets of your life. It doesn’t hit you in Annie-related moments. No – Work, family, friends, eat, and sleep. That’s where it shows its ugly face.
I don’t really want to continue down this path anymore for this note. I wasn’t writing to tell you that I’m drowning. I wanted to tell you that there’s always a glimmer of light above from the bottom of the pool. If you keep your head up, be brave in a time of fear, and look for it, it’s there.
That’s what I keep telling myself. That’s what I’m trying to do. I’m so scared, I’m so down, but I’m so hopeful. So I have to be brave and keep working on the things and people that make me go, that make me smile, that remind me to breathe. Even if there is risk and danger. Even if I could lose again.
I’m done running.
3E LOVE
3E Love, LLC. is a company Annie and I founded in 2007 revolving around her “wheelchair heart logo”, or as we officially call it, the “International Symbol of Acceptance.” If Annie leaves a legacy, and I hope that she does, it will most likely have a lot to do with the symbol and 3E Love. The symbol started out as a tattoo on her right shoulder blade and then a t-shirt she designed for our dorm community. It’s now a tattoo on countless others and is highly recognizable by friends, family, and the local disability community.
But I’ve been spending some time preparing for hopefully what could be a big year for the company. It’s really important to me that it is successful. One, because it was Annie’s pride and joy, and by working tirelessly on it I could continue her legacy for her and maybe even have a new career for myself and my friends. In my dreams I see the traditional “handicapped sign” replaced by our symbol and me in an accessible fantasy land for an office with all of my friends from camp and college as employees. Ha
So I’ve been working on that. I think it is really important for the disability rights movement and the community that the educated youth living with disabilities in the real world have their voices heard. A grassroots social entrepreneurship company could be a great way to make a huge impact on society. That was Annie’s vision, I hope to carry it through for her.
I mean, we are America’s largest minority. But in 30 years little has improved. People are still being killed in group homes and hospitals due to negligent treatment. Some cities and towns are completely inaccessible. State programs developed to help us live independent lifestyles are run by uneducated people who don’t even care about the program. All the while it costs over $20,000 per year for someone like me to live on their own. On top of other expenses. Yet when you call you get treated like an infant, are hung up on, put on a waiting list for months, and I wouldn’t be surprised that while I am struggling to move out of my parents house they are stealing the programs’ funds with “ghost employees”. Children aren’t educated in schools about disabilities or our history and struggle, so when I go to public kids still laugh and stare. The ADA, our beacon of legislative hope, is constantly challenged by crazy right-wingers who believe it is too expensive to put us through school and make other public accommodations. And in some places it isn’t enforced at all.
Ok, I’ll get back on that soapbox another day. But Annie’s vision for progress was to embrace your disability, educate those around you, and empower one another….
Help me out. If you, your friends, or family don’t have a shirt yet, go to our online store and order one. I have a pre-sale set up so that you can get the standard tees in any size up until May 1st.
http://www.3elove.com/ – wear your heart on your sleeve.
ANNE HOPKINS FOUNDATION
Many of you know that my family established a non-profit corporation in Annie’s honor after her passing. I’m happy to announce that we have raised over $17,000 so far. This is quite amazing and inspiring considering that all that money was raised without any true fund raising efforts and without a bank account to deposit the money. Ha
Now that we have a bank account and everything is set up legitimately, I’ve been working hard to plan fundraisers and also start granting scholarships for next school year.
My first goal is to raise $70,000 by January 1, 2010. This will be enough funds to pay operating expenses such as a web site and to grant three $1,000 scholarships annually in Annie’s honor for the rest of eternity.
So, I’m working hard to develop online fund raising tools, apply for our 501c3 so we can accept corporate donations, and finally plan a ballroom event coined “Annie’s wedding” for October of 2009 if possible.
Thank you to all of those people who have already reached into your pocket to make this possible.
Read the corporate mission statement here:
http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dhdrtswq_9ccsr3xhm
If you would like to make a donation, make checks payable and mail to:
Anne Hopkins Scholarship Fund, Inc.
PO Box 522
Batavia, IL 60510
A website should be up and running in a few weeks too! Thanks again to all those who have donated. It means a lot to my family and I that you are as interested in continuing her story through passion and altruism.
A TRIP TO SAY GOOD-BYE
Last, but not at all least. In about two weeks I’m getting in my 2006 Chrysler Town & Country, and I’m leaving. Gone. Goodbye Chicago land, hello America.
Before I go into details, here’s the background stories.
One, Annie was planning on going on an educational speaking / 3E Love tour with her roommate Steve and PA Joel this summer.
Two, my mountain man slash professional vagabond of a friend Bill and I have talked about a road trip for years.
Three, I have no idea who I am right now or what I want to do. One thing I do know, I have no motivation to hustle people to buy insurance or invest money at this juncture in my life.
Four, we have a box sitting in Annie’s room full of her ashes and I don’t know what you are supposed to do with those.
Five, I just paid off all of my debt and that just doesn’t feel right. I’m too young to be debt free.
So, I’m going. From May 8th to June 9th I will be on the greatest bro-venture ever conjured. After planning in my head and on paper since the end of January, this is all I know.
Bill, Joel, Steve, Hugo, and I are getting in my van and heading west to find treasure like the great frontiersmen of our past. Except we’ll be staying at Best Westerns and have A/C in our modern-day horse and carriage. The first three dudes are aforementioned, Hugo is my friend from camp who also has the most elite disability on earth, Spinal Muscular Atrophy. I’ve spent my whole life traveling in pairs of chairs. One is lonely, two is company, three’s a crowd. So I asked Hugo to join us and he squeeled for joy, both with his voice and wheels as I could hear him over the phone itching to roll around in excitement.
We don’t really have a budget, and we have no pre-arranged activities except a World Series of Poker Event in Vegas I am playing in and I have to be home for a friend’s wedding in June (ladies, I need still need a date, and I love to do the funky chicken).
We are also going to be filming the entire thing. Think about a cross between Little People Big World, Road Rules, and Man vs. Wild. That’s what we are going for on this trip and will hopefully have some good video to share. I will also be blogging away from hotel rooms, maybe even video blogging. Annie maxed out her credit cards a month before she died on a brand new Mac Airbook. I plan on putting it to good use before the collection agency that keeps calling gets a hold of me.
Lastly, we are going to spread her ashes all over the place. Maybe that will be an important part of my grieving process. Saying good-bye to her in all the places she’d have loved to gone this summer. She was known as Everywhere Annie, so I guess it’s fitting that we are taking her with us on this journey.
So, if I don’t see you before I return, I’ll see you in June!
Please, if you live anywhere on our path, please consider putting us up for a night. Could really use the help! Even if it is only 2 of us so we don’t have to get 2 hotel rooms.
Here is our expected stops:
Urbana-Champaign
St. Louis
Dallas
Austin
San Antonio
El Paso
Phoenix
Grand Canyon
San Diego
Los Angeles
Santa Barbara
San Fran / Bay Area
Yosemite
Vegas
Salt Lake City
Denver
Omaha
That’s about it for now, thanks for reading. When I get writing I can’t stop. But my one friend told me that “Stream of Consciousness” writing is all the rage now. Glad I’m finally trendy.
Scared to death of mountain lions,
Stevie
